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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25199128">Habits</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jxu/pseuds/jxu'>jxu</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Habits, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Pet Names, Thumb-sucking, Trauma, no beta we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 07:48:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,293</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25199128</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jxu/pseuds/jxu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Evan Buckley didn’t know how it all started, he assumed that it branched from his childhood trauma but he didn’t know for sure. What he did know for sure was that he never wanted anyone to find out. Turns out his best friend finding out his deepest secret wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>231</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Habits</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey so yeah this has some references of Child abuse in here, not a lot and it’s not graphic. Just please be advised.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Buck never really knew where this habit came from. He understood why something like that would stick with him but growing up he had hoped the habit would fade away as he grew out of adolescence.</p>
<p>Unfortunately for him it never did. Although the habit worked for calming himself down he was embarrassed and hoped that another soul never found out.</p>
<p>Growing up he remembered sleepovers at friends' houses. How he would cover his blanket over his head so he could suck on his thumb for a few seconds just to get a sense of safety and calmness.</p>
<p>He remembered the day his sister found out the habit still stuck with him. It was an accident and Buck was completely humiliated by it. He was seventeen and Maddie had come over for his birthday. They had the red, white, and blue bomb popsicles and it had been a good night. However, that next morning when buck left his room to see his sister there was a red ring around his right thumb from the popsicle that stained is lips, then stained his thumb.</p>
<p>Maddie, of course, told him it was okay. The only thing she did was try and make sure he took his thumb out of his mouth when he was about to fall into a sleep so it wouldn't ruin his teeth or form a gap.</p>
<p>His parents, however, absolutely hated it. Every time they would scold Buck for doing it he would get mad. It was mostly his parent's fault he had the habit anyways. He would never tell them that because he didn't want to get hit, but he always thought it.</p>
<p>He read up on it a lot, read stories and articles to try and find out what was wrong with him. They mainly talked about the habit forming from time of trauma. Evan Buckley sure had a lot of that, even before he was a firefighter. Others said it was a thing with an oral fixation. Buck didn't really know what an Oral fixation was so he just said it was a mix.</p>
<p>Ever since the truck accident, he seemed to be doing it a lot more. Before the accident, he would just suck his thumb while he was at home about to fall asleep. Now he would sneak off into the bunk room at work or the bathroom at Eddies' house just to suck on his thumb for a few moments of clarity.</p>
<p>He wasn't sure if he needed help, he would certainly never ask for it if he did. The most he has ever done was tell a few strangers on the internet who either made fun of him for it or turned it into a sexual thing. No one seemed to understand that Buck did it for calmness and a sense of safety. They would always twist his words or make him out to seem like a freak. So Buck decided against telling people.</p>
<p>He was better of that way.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>. . . .</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The first time Eddie noticed something strange with his best friend was right when they had gotten back from a tough call. It wasn't extreme but one of the civilians was yelling at Buck the whole time and Eddie could tell that it was affecting his best friend.</p>
<p>As soon as they got out of the truck Buck made a B-line towards the locker room. Eddie followed shortly after. He wasn't sure if he should give him a few moments alone or just waltz right in there.</p>
<p>He decided to give him five minutes, then he would go in. After that time was up he slowly walked in. He didn't see much, just Bucks back and his hand curled in a fist by his face.</p>
<p>"Buck?" Eddie asked quietly. Evan jumped, his hand flying to his side. He turned around and gave Eddie a false smile, putting his hand against his heart. Eddie gave him a strange look at his weird behavior.</p>
<p>"Jeez, Eddie, you scared me." He said with a laugh, his cheeks dusted pink. He scratched his neck and gave Eddie another smile.</p>
<p>"Are you okay? I know that call was tough." Eddie said, putting his hand on the tallers shoulder. Buck nodded, looking down at the ground.</p>
<p>"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Everyone lived." Buck said. He walked out of the locker room with a small smile on his face.</p>
<p>
  <em>'Well that was odd'</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>. . . .</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The second time Eddie noticed something weird was when he and Buck were at Eddies' house. Chris was sleeping over at Abuela's so it was time for the annual Diaz-Buckley horror movie night. Tonight was Buck's least favorite film, but they had to watch it because it was on the list. Ever since he was a kid Evan Buckley hated clowns. And this movie was all about clowns. The scary little bastards.</p>
<p>The three hours of the movie were basically just Buck hiding behind a pillow or accidentally jumping into Eddies' lap- which he would never admit to doing. Once the movie finished Eddie went to put the dishes away, along with the container of cupcakes that had extremely staining Icing. Eddies' teeth were toned blue from the icing of the cupcakes. Buck had been in the bathroom, Eddie assumed he was cleaning off his face because when buck went in the bathroom there was icing all over his mouth and nose, and even some in his hair. It was a truly adorable sight but he would never tell him that. All he could really think about was brushing the small clump of icing off of his lip. Or the brush against the tip of his nose.</p>
<p>When Eddie finally got everything cleaned up Buck walked out of the bathroom. The icing was gone from his face but there were still some multi-colored stains from the icing.</p>
<p>"Eddie, dude, you should have waited so I could help you," Buck said with a smile. Eddie laughed and shook his head.</p>
<p>"Wasn't too much, and I thought you had your hands full cleaning the icing off your face," Eddie said with a laugh. "Even Chris is a cleaner eater then you," Eddie said. Buck scoffed, smacking the side of Eddies' head.</p>
<p>"Are you calling me messy!" Buck asked his hand over his heart in fake offense.</p>
<p>"I sure am." Eddie retorted with a smirk. Buck pouted and oh my god Eddie just wanted to kiss him so badly at that moment.</p>
<p>"I just have a creative way of eating," Buck said crossing his arms. Eddie laughed and nodded.</p>
<p>"Yeah sure, definitely," Eddie said, putting his hand on his shoulder. Buck just rolled his eyes playfully and walked back into the living room.</p>
<p>But Eddie couldn't help but notice the blue ring of dye around his right thumb.</p>
<p>'<em>Huh, strange'</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>. . . .</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The third time Eddie knew something was strange was when Buck had broken his wrist. It was stressful for him and everyone around him. Buck always seemed to be on edge and everyone else noticed it too. There were times where Eddie had seen Buck in the locker room talking deep and heavy breaths. Other times he would pry and pick at his cast, near where the thumb was covered.</p>
<p>' <em>strange</em> '</p>
<p> </p>
<p>. . . .</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After a few more incidents Eddie knew what was up. He didn't judge Buck- god he could never judge him. Sure he could pretend but he loved that golden retriever type man with his whole heart. He had done a lot of research, and now also had a lot of new information about a daddy kink, more then he would have preferred. He knew buck didn't have a daddy kink and his thumb-sucking wasn't related to that.</p>
<p>'<em>Wait did he have a daddy kink?'</em></p>
<p>
  <em>'Wait no, not the time Eddie!'</em>
</p>
<p>What he was mainly concerned about was what caused the habit. Most say trauma caused it and that scared Buck. He had noticed it happening before the fire truck bombing. So it had to have been a trauma from before the 118 or else Eddie would have known about it. He hated the thought of Buck going through anything. It made his heart hurt and his eyes watery.</p>
<p>He wasn't sure if he should address it, or just leave it be. He wanted Buck to know that he was safe with him, that he wouldn't judge. But he worried that maybe it would make him uncomfortable. Maybe he felt safer when he believed that it was a secret and he knew of everyone that knew.</p>
<p>' <em>what the fuck and I'm going to do</em> '</p>
<p> </p>
<p>. . . .</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Eddie and Buck had been sitting on the couch at Buck's apartment. They took a break from their horror movie list and decided to binge criminal minds while Chris was at camp. Eddie could feel Buck lean into him, he didn't even think Buck knew he was doing it and that made it so much cuter.</p>
<p>The episode was one of the vulgar ones. One of the ones with more death, blood, and misfortune. Which were most of the episodes to be fair. Eddie smiled when he looked down at his lap. There was a pillow on his lap and Evans head laid on top of it. He was facing the TV but Eddie could tell he was asleep by the lack of jumping and flinching that was happening that usually occurred while watching the show.</p>
<p>Buck started to shake, tossing and turning in Eddies' lap. Eddie narrowed his eyes, looking at the back of Buck's head. He sighed and tried to wake him up subtly, careful not to wake him.</p>
<p>"Buck, Buck. Wake up." Eddie said quietly. He shook Buck a bit more, trying to shake him from his nightmare. He could hear buck mumbling a small "no" and "stop" which made Eddie's heartbreak into pieces.</p>
<p>Buck shot up, falling back onto the floor. He scoots back against the back wall behind the TV, holding his knees to his chest tightly. Small tears rolled down his cheeks as his lip quivered. Eddie followed soon after him, kneeling in front of the frightened man.</p>
<p>"Hey hey hey." Eddie soothed, "Calm down Buck. It was just a nightmare it's not real. You need to breathe, Can you do that for me?" Eddie asked. Buck slowly nodded. "Okay, I'm going to put my hands on your knees. Is that okay?" Eddie asked carefully. Buck nodded. Eddie put his hands on Buck's knees, making Buck look up at him with unshed tears in his eyes.</p>
<p>"Good, Good job. Just keep breathing." Eddie said, rubbing his thumbs against his knees comfortingly. Once Buck's breathing got under control Eddie sighed.</p>
<p>Eddie grabbed onto Evans had slowly, careful not to shock or scare him. He wrapped his arm around his fist, leaving the other males' thumb out. He moved his hand towards bucks face. He looked up, giving him a confused look.</p>
<p>"It's okay Buck. I know it helps, sweetheart." Eddie said with a small smile. Bucks mouth opened like he was going to say something, but instead, he just moved his thumb into his mouth. "There you go, it's going to be okay," Eddie said. He pulled Buck into his lap, wrapping his arms around the other male. He was surprised to see the taller man be able to curl into such a small ball, but he couldn't help but love Buck held in his arms. He rocked the pair gently and mumbled sweet encouragements as the younger continued to suck on his thumb.</p>
<p>After a few minutes, Buck spoke up. His cheeks were pink and his eyes were red from crying. "I-I'm sorry. I know you must think that I'm weird and that there is something wrong with me." Buck said quietly almost mumbling. Eddie gave him a small smile.</p>
<p>"Evan, I will never think that you're weird or that something's wrong with you for doing something that makes you feel safe and calm. Sweetheart, there is nothing wrong with you." Eddie said. Buck looked up at him, then started crying again. He leaned into Eddies embrace more, his head now in the crook of Eddie's neck.</p>
<p>After about twenty minutes of sitting on the floor, and buck crying, Eddie lifted buck off of his lap and sat him on the floor. He almost melted when he saw the look on Buck's face when he left Eddies' arms.</p>
<p>"Hold on Buck, let's get you to bed," Eddie said with a small smile. He lifted buck of the floor and carried him up the stairs, (thank god for training) Evans legs wrapped around his waist as he kept sucking on his thumb. Eddie walked up the stairs, making sure to go slow so he wouldn’t fall.</p>
<p>Once he got into the loft he laid Buck down on his own bed, pulling the comforter on top of his body. As Eddie began to walk away, Buck grabbed his hand and pulled him back.</p>
<p>“Buck, you need sleep,” Eddie said, looking at how Buck's eyes were heavy and drooping. Buck shook his head and made a disgruntled noise. Eddie gave him an amused look.</p>
<p>“Buck,” Eddie said sternly. Buck just shook his head again and pulled Eddie's hand closer to him. “Do you want me to stay with you?” Eddie asked, a small laugh bubbling from his throat. Buck nodded.</p>
<p>Eddie sighed but complied. He grabbed a pair of Bucks shorts and pulled off his shirt, throwing it haphazardly on the floor. Once Eddie climbed in bed Buck made a satisfied noise.</p>
<p>“Stubborn little thing,” Eddie said with a laugh. Buck nodded, smiling behind his thumb. Eddie just shook his head and opened his arms for Buck to crawl in.</p>
<p>“G’night ‘ddie” Buck said from behind his thumb, curling into Eddies' side.</p>
<p>“Goodnight Buck.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hope you have a great day!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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